Communication. This is something that we all need to survive, something we all struggle to master, and something that can actually be quite simple. In the home I grew up in, we really connected on only one level. It was more of an intellectual one. We were talking and sharing and debating ideas. We were analyzing and solving problems. We were good at manipulating and justifying with our thoughts, convincing ourselves that we were alright.

We did a good job as far as the meeting of the minds, but we were missing the other core elements that led to mutual understanding. We could win a debate, but not someone’s heart. In fact, we often left more wounded than how we started. We were missing the heart and the body – our emotions and our physical sensations, the other persons affect and their body language. The two other aspects are essential for any type of connection, let alone an intimate one. When I am unable to connect with someone on an emotional level, I often feel unsafe. I am unable to sustain the relationship for very long.

Speaking From the Heart, the Body, and the Mind

Skilled conversations with others allow us to deepen our intellect, our emotional intelligence, our self-awareness, and self-control. This is the personal opportunity that stems from encountering strangers and individuals within intimate relationships. As a mother of six children, I have been an expert witness and an ambitious practitioner of emotional intelligence skills. I am lately learning how to pay attention to sensations in my body that give me clues about what I am really feeling and how I can temper my thoughts and words. I try not to shy away from eye contact. Sometimes I will offer silence so I can observe what the other person is doing, how they are moving, where they are looking. All of this is important information. We all want to be seen.

How to Dialogue Deliberately

Thankfully, being a good communicator is not a character trait anyone’s born with. It’s a skill we can develop. Last week on the Radio West podcast based in Salt Lake City, Utah Doug Fabrezio spoke with Allison Wood Brooks, an expert on conversations who recently published a book entitled TALK. You can hear the full interview here: https://radiowest.kuer.org/show/radiowest/2025-03-25/how-to-be-a-better-talker

She provided an acronym we can easily remember and use for every conversation we have. By following this guide, each conversation will leave both participants better off than when they started. Each can be strengthened by a moment of true communion between two authentic people.

As you’ve probably guessed, the acronym is T.A.L.K. Even though conversations are spontaneous and dynamic, these conversation guides will help you.

Topic

Topic. Prepare yourself ahead of time with several ideas before your meeting. Be prepared for times when there is a lull in a conversation. You can then segue into a relevant topic.

Ask

Ask. Ask thoughtful and pertinent questions. (I would add practice compassionate curiosity. Be genuinely curious and allow the other person to answer fully.)

Levity

Levity/laughter. Be sure to invite laughter and even humor into your conversation. This has the effect of providing comfort, familiarity, and safety. No matter how different we are, we can all appreciate humor. No matter how difficult the topic, we crave lightness.

Kindness

Kindness. Make your intention “Do no harm.” Showing kindness, or empathy, for others is the gateway to the heart. The heart is what glues us all together in the moment and long-term.

Leverage Conflicts to Create Communion

Do you remember the old Dr Seuss story about the two Zaks? One is north-going and the other’s moving south. However, they can never step aside or alter their course to make room for one another. It happens that they stay there forever, suck, while freeways and walls are built around them. What a missed opportunity for these sorry sacks.

I often think of conflict in terms of engagement. It is a universal experience that isn’t necessarily bad. It doesn’t mean the person we’re confronting is our enemy, or that we don’t like them. It just means that two individuals have had the blessing to share time and space together – and that, thankfully, they are two different people. Two tender souls with unique experiences that require care and consideration from one another. The encounter proves that we are truly not alone.

Civic and Civil Engagement

In this time of polarization, due namely to isolation and lack of exposure to the “others,” we tend to fear and blame. What we can do instead is honor the container that conflict provides us with. Even in moments of civic engagement we can remain civil. That is the primary reason these forums exist to get us in a room together or around a table. Not only can this technique create more stable relationships, but it can build stable communities.

Notes from the Coach

Talking through the matters at hand is a central part of divorce negotiations and healing. As a divorce coach, I am pleased to have seen and experienced successful communication at play. I have also seen it deteriorate. When this happens, divorces are prolonged, painful, and even destructive. It is difficult for anyone to allow relationships and roles to dissolve, but this process is essential if we are to embrace our new identity as a single person with integrity. T.A.L.K is just one of many skills that can help us evolve into someone capable of recognizing and building successful partnerships. I would be honored to work as your coach to help you practice this skill and discover more of your own.

#conversationskills #divorcenegotiation #highconflict #healthyparenting #divorcecoach