Fears vs. Reality

Divorce is a transformational experience. Even if you want to go backwards, you can’t. Learning how to ask for help has been one of the most challenging transformations for me. I am not comfortable asking or receiving. When I was first divorced, it manifested itself like catatonia. I kept to myself and really didn’t speak in terms of needs, goals, tasks, objectives, and accomplishments. I was just happy to get out of bed most mornings so I could keep giving to my kids. The days they weren’t with me, I got out of bed for my employer.

I still struggle with this. When my dad recently texted to see if he could deliver a piece of furniture to my home, I froze. Then I told him I didn’t have any bandwidth right now. No bandwidth for a free large flat screen TV my brother was passing along?!? Dad’s offering to bring it over, right? Hmmm. Something makes me think this has more to do with my fears than my reality. Am I afraid of looking needy or incapable? Am I afraid of feeling obligated? Can’t I just manage things alone and prove it?

“Help!”

Learned helplessness is an actual condition that strips us of agency and prevents us from leaning into our own needs and finding solutions. If you have past chronic experiences where you were powerless, such as within high control environments (families, religions, schools), or where needing help was ignored, dangerous, or ridiculed, then you haven’t been able to develop the skill of asking. This prevents us from moving forward. (See Resilient, by Rick Hanson, Phd.) The way through learned helplessness is not kicking yourself in the rear, getting your stuff together, and to keep muscling through on your own. The key to overcoming learned helplessness is simply learning to ask for help when you need it. But you’ll never ask for help if you don’t admit you need it in the first place. Jonis Webb refers to this as “counter dependence” in her work on emotional neglect. (See Running on Empty and Running on Empty No More) You can look pretty bad ass on the outside, but inside be an underdeveloped, under-served mess.

How to Overcome Learned Helplessness

In my daughter’s world, it looks like this. She didn’t pass her first chemistry exam and she’s behind in math. She shut down for a day or two until we talked about it. Through talking, she decided it would be good for her to go and talk with her professors to share why she is behind and ask for help on improving her performance and her test grades. She then realized she’s not alone in this. Why wasn’t this her first idea? Because she needed a partner to help her realize asking isn’t a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of worth. When you know your worth, you know you’re worth helping. We developed this mantra together to reframe “the ask”:

“The fact that I’m asking for help shows that I know what I’m worth.”

Show what you know. Ask. Here for you – today. Contact a coach.

divorcecoach divorcesupport divorceeducation divorcecoachingforwomen divorcetransformation learnedhelplessness maketheask interdependency

FAQs

1. What is the first step to overcoming learned helplessness during divorce?

The first and most crucial step to breaking free from learned helplessness is to reach out and ask for help. Isolation reinforces feelings of powerlessness, making it even harder to take action. Whether it’s reaching out to a trusted friend, a therapist, a divorce coach, or a legal professional, seeking support is an act of reclaiming your power. And if the first person you ask can’t provide the help you need, keep asking until you find someone who can. No one navigates divorce alone—getting the right guidance and emotional support can make all the difference in shifting from feeling stuck to feeling capable and in control.

2. How does learned helplessness develop?

Learned helplessness is a psychological condition that occurs when someone repeatedly experiences negative or uncontrollable situations and eventually stops trying to change their circumstances, even when they have the ability to do so. This mindset can develop in relationships where a person feels powerless—whether due to emotional manipulation, financial dependence, or a history of their needs being dismissed. Over time, they may come to believe that no action they take will make a difference, leading to passivity, self-doubt, and a reluctance to take control of their own life.

3. What are common signs of learned helplessness in divorce?

Learned helplessness can show up in several ways during divorce, including:

  • Avoiding or procrastinating on legal and financial tasks.
  • Letting a spouse or lawyer make all the decisions without input.
  • Feeling stuck, hopeless, or resigned to whatever outcome happens.
  • Struggling to articulate needs or stand up for personal rights.
  • Believing that there’s no point in trying to improve life post-divorce.

    If any of these resonate, it’s important to recognize that these thoughts and behaviors are learned—and that they can be unlearned with the right mindset shifts and support.

4. Can divorce be an opportunity to overcome learned helplessness?

Absolutely. While divorce is often seen as an ending, it can also be a beginning—a chance to rebuild life with newfound strength and autonomy. For those who have struggled with learned helplessness, this transition can be the push needed to reclaim personal power. Making independent decisions, setting boundaries, and creating a vision for the future are all ways to reinforce self-confidence. With the right mindset and support, divorce can serve as a catalyst for personal growth, proving that you are capable of shaping your own path forward.